


Tell Me I'm Forgiven and Free

by wood_c_thrush



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Protective Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 22:20:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5843158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wood_c_thrush/pseuds/wood_c_thrush
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is loved more than he deserves.  He knows this to the depths of his soul.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell Me I'm Forgiven and Free

It was like the theory of the Big Bang that he'd heard about, the modern notions on the creation of the universe.  Everything started anew that day, out of nothing, in an explosive, bursting singularity.  Time itself began as the words passed through the stranger's lips to grasp his very soul. 

_(Not a stranger.  Not anymore.  Not ever, really.)_

Glorious light and searing heat rushed forth in a cleansing wave, shades haunting even the deepest corners erased from existence as the first stars began to shine.  A thousand lifetimes passed in mere seconds, new elements formed in the heart of supernovae amidst the swirling, glowing beauty of a peace he’d never known. 

 

Compassion.  Gentleness.  Hope.  Love. 

 

 

 _Love_. 

 

 

Utterly impossible, all of them, but especially… _love_.

 

He shook his head at the memory still.  No damnation, no judgment, not even a simple rebuke.  Only open arms.  How could it even be real?

His heart was petrified to obsidian stone, unbreakable.  Impenetrable.  What did it matter that he was forced into it?  The wrathful scarlet blood dripped from _his_ hands, a riptide sucking him to sea and drowning any chance for redemption.  There had been nothing but to succumb, to become numb, to be flung into the void without a tether and never remember his sins, or he would fall back to Earth, and that was a fate too kind for one such as him. 

 

 

That was the one thing the machine could never take away.  Endless, fathomless, enduring -

 

biting-tearing-ripping- _screaming_

 

\- guilt.  

 

 

No, he’d silenced that himself.  Above all else, that was his crime.  No one else could take the blame for that. 

 

It didn’t matter.  Somehow, it didn’t matter to him, because Bucky was still embraced as though precious, valuable, irreplaceable and untainted.  Absolutely and eternally, he was vowed unending faithfulness, promised he was finally free.  How could that be true? 

Surely he’d have to earn it, chisel through the rock to just perhaps uncover some still-living, still-beating flesh to offer on his knees as a worthless repentance.  It was all he had left.  It was all he could do.  He would sacrifice whatever remained of himself, though it wouldn't be enough.  As the memories trickled, flowed, gushed back in torrents, the only option was to try and fail.  His debt was too large for anything else; he could never make it up to the world.  But he could try to make it up to him.

There was no need, the man insisted.  Time and again, and surely in the future, too.  He held nothing against him.  There was no condemnation for him.  

 

 _Lay down your guilt.  Take my hand._  

 

Bucky closed his eyes, forehead against the cool window.  Rose and magenta and coral and violet caressed his cheeks, soft as a whisper.  Beauty that couldn’t compare to the light of his lover’s soul.

A hand gently laid itself on his shoulder.  “You alright, Buck?” Steve’s voice breathed tenderly, lips delicately brushing against his neck.

Undeserved mercy sang sweetly through his very being, as it had for so long now.  Still, he sometimes refused to hear it. Feigned deafness, utter conviction of unworthiness choking unconditional grace extended to him. 

 

But he needed it, like shelter, like water, like air.  Needed him.  

 

“Tell me again,” Bucky whispered, a single tear trailing down.

 

Steve gently pulled him away from the window, hands resting lightly on his face.  Bucky opened his eyes again. 

Beams of golden light reflected off his savior’s face as it reverently kissed his forehead, his cheekbones, his jaw, his mouth.  Absolution poured from his touch, the lifeline Bucky clung to with all his considerable strength. 

 

“I swear on all that I am that I will never leave you again, Bucky.  I love you.  I love you.  _I love you_.  And there's nothing to forgive, but I forgive you anyway.”      

   

**Author's Note:**

> I had a really horrible interaction on Tumblr recently, with this girl who was just so full of anger and vitriol and arrogance that it left me with a sour taste in my mouth the rest of the day. She attacked me personally, played the victim to perfection, and was honestly just rather nasty. But the thing is, from her bio, she's 24 years old, living in a wonderful city quite near my hometown, and is doing post-graduate studies. She's obviously well-educated and ambitious, and honestly quite blessed with good life circumstances, so far as I could tell. But her words were so full of hatred. I couldn't understand how it all happened. 
> 
> And it made me realize that I have been blessed by so much in my life that I truly have never understood actual hate. I've never had a darkness so visceral in my soul that it poisons my very worldview, to the extent that I wouldn't even consider believing someone's truly sincere apology. I don't know what caused her to be that way, but I felt so sorry for her. Deep down, it must be so painful to feel that way; she must be absolutely miserable sometimes. And that's what inspired me to write this. Forgiveness is so powerful and so revolutionary because it runs counter to rancor, to revenge, to the bloodlust and enmity and vengeance that in our heart of hearts we often crave. Forgiveness heals your heart and helps make you whole again. 
> 
> To the girl on Tumblr, I forgive you. I hope whatever caused you to harbor so much anger is something you can overcome. I truly wish you well, and I thank you for the inspiration for this ficlet. Go in peace.


End file.
